Dear Gluten,
Look, I’m not one of the very relatively few who really really do have celiac disease, nor am I one of those bandwagoners who jumps on every food fad there is, no matter how terrible it tastes. But I still don’t understand why you find it necessary to promote your absence (“a gluten-free food!”) on the package of figs I just bought. Anybody with any sense knows figs are fruit, not a cereal grain. But I am given to understand you only do this in America. Why? Do you think Americans are stupid or something?
Respectfully yours,
A Concerned Consumer
Dear Concerned Consumer,
Of course I think Americans are stupid. Look who you just elected as your president.
Sincerely,
Gluten
Dear Annoying Bus Passenger,
Why do you jump to the front of the line to get on the bus first, when you don’t know if the bus even goes where you want, and you don’t know how much the fare is and you have no idea where your small bills and your change are, leaving the rest of us shivering and dripping in the rain and wind while you figure out north from south with the driver and search all your pockets and bags for your money and still don’t have the right fare?
Sincerely,
A Prepared Commuter Who Knows Where She’s Going and Must Be On Time
Dear APCWKWSGAMBOT,
Reread your own letter. You answered your own question. I’m here in one place where I don’t know where I am, trying to get to another place where I still won’t know where I am. I’m anxious. I’m afraid. What if it costs too much? What if I’m at the completely wrong stop on the wrong street at the wrong end of town? What if the driver treats me like an idiot and is mean to me? What if I completely screw it up and end up in Spokane? This is an ordeal, and I can’t wait. I’m dying here. I need to just get it over with. Why are you making it worse for me? Look, these buses don’t make change, so I’ll give you this twenty if you’ll pay my $3.25 fare with your special little bus card, and you can have Starbucks on me. I’m sorry.
Sincerely,
Shirley from Toledo
Dear Computer Industry,
What is up with toner.
We live in a society where we can send a bonkjillion bits of information completely around the world in seconds, land a spacecraft on a rock in the middle of outer space, and print working cars, for crying out loud. Why can you not come up with a toner cartridge that doesn’t get black shit all over everything?
I first asked this question more than 30 years ago, when you and some Xerox toner ruined my fabulous new white pencil skirt that made me look like Marilyn Monroe from the back if you squinted your eyes right. I have neither forgotten nor forgiven the loss of that skirt.
I’m still waiting for an answer.
Yours in frustration.
Dear Frustrated,
Yeah, we don’t get it either. That and the common cold.
-Matt in I.T.
99 Monkeys 